How am I supposed to be happy, when the month of Ramadan where Allah opens up so many blessings will go away?
But how can I be so ignorant, for Allah's mercy is up for grab anytime, anywhere? Not only during Ramadan.
Still, I love the spirit during the month of Ramadan where good people have chances to do better 'amal and sinners repent.
I love the feeling of the last nights of Ramadan, where every time I went out to have a fresh air during i'tikaf, I would look up to the sky, wondering if tonight Jibril and his fellow angels were here? Maybe that night was lailatul Qadr.
I love feeling sleepy after Subh, consequence of staying up all night long - Man qama Ramadana imaanan wa ihtisaaban ghufiralahu ma taqaddama min zanbih.
I love listening to the Imam crying during Qiam, and his ma'mum also cries. When else can I find people cry openly to ask for forgiveness of Allah?
But, why is it, the more I ask for forgiveness, the greater the feeling of remorse I feel for my past?
I look forward to having a clean and positive future. People may not see the remorseful feeling behind my smile and my appreciation towards the presence of others in my life. I wonder, if the feeling is put by Allah to make me hold on to Allah, until I die.
It's so strange, in your heart, you feel so weak in front of Allah due to your sins, but at the same time you feel reinforced and strong. Allah al Ghaffar. I know He will forgive, and let me start over.
Last night was a very emotional night. It might be my last Ramadan. Who knows?
"La'allakum tattaqun" - Mudahan kamu bertaqwa.
Amin ya rabbal 'alamin.